2 03 2008

I feel old. When I got out of bed at 11am today, I felt old. I felt old as I was surfing the internet. When I looked at my parents who are 55 and 58, I felt old. When I ate my Ramen noodles and took in The Flaming Lips tonight, I felt old. As I type this entry on my WP blog, I feel old. I was born on July 31, 1987. This summer, I will turn 21 years old. Why do I feel old?

I do not mean that feel old in reference to how I felt at age 10. I mean “old” in the classical sense. I am always a little drowsy. MY joints ache, especially in my back. When I see kids who are still in high school, just a few years younger than me, I refer to them as “kids,” “younguns,” or “you damn kids!” In the midst of the presidential race, I have found myself complaining about medical care. I am a person who feels old, yet still has mastered “the Google.” I feel aged and I understand Net Neutrality and that the Internets are not a series of tubes.

Why do I feel old at the relatively youthful age of twenty? Perhaps it is because I am physically out of shape and usually sleep deprived. (By the way, that will be the last time I will consciously use the word “perhaps.” I hate that word.) I might feel a little more my age if I started taking care of myself, exercising more, eating a healthier diet, and getting on something approaching a normal sleep schedule. But there is the rub: all of those things require a conscious, concerted effort over a protracted period of time, probably the next sixty to seventy years. Ugghhh. I am not sure of my ability to do that. Well, not my ability so much as my will. My will in the past has not been what it should have been. I realize now that I have strayed from the topic into the realm of self-control.

My problem is that if I am not immediately motivated to do something, I will avoid it, procrastinate, or just flat out not do it. “Self-control” implies that I have difficulty restricting my actions, when in fact, I simply do not take action.

So, let’s review:
I need to make myself more motivated so that I can stick with an exercise and diet program so that I can not feel so worn-out and old as I have been the last few months. Yep, I think that pretty much sums it up. However, we shall see if I can radically change my personality in short order. Maybe it will all be a matter of motivation. I am certain that when the weather warms up again, I will become more active outdoors.




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